Ghost Is Me
by Fosterchild
Summary: Johnny's view of things at the end...AND a second chapter....finally more than a oneshot....
1. Ghost Is Me

Ghost Is Me

I don't own the Outsiders and I don't own the lyrics to 'If You Could Read My Mind'…those belong to S.E. Hinton and Gordon Lightfoot, respectively.

If you could read my mind love

What a tale my thoughts would tell

Just like an old time movie

'bout a ghost from the wishing well……

If you only knew, truly knew, how I felt about you all these years. If you could only imagine how I looked up to you, idolized you, worshipped the ground you walked on. You wouldn't have been able to handle knowing.

I know you. You shy away from affection, from praise. The only attention you can deal with is negative because that's all you've ever known. That's all most of us have ever known, especially me. Especially you with your absent mother and ignorant father. If only they had been better for you maybe you would have been different, more caring. But then you wouldn't have been you.

You really didn't need to be more caring anyway. I knew you cared. You showed me in your way. My watcher, my big brother, my protector. I know it killed you not to be able to protect me from my parents. But you didn't have to stop them from being how they were. It was enough for you to just be there. To know you would do anything you could.

You know that ghost is me

And I will never be set free

As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see……

There was so much I wanted to tell you. I had so much time alone in that hospital bed with nothing to do but think. I could feel myself slipping away slowly and I knew I had to go. The only real regret I have is that I didn't get the chance to tell you how much you meant to me. I just wasn't strong enough by the end.

I would have told you I was the happiest I had ever been knowing I had saved those kids. Knowing that I had made a mark on the world in some small way. I would have thanked you for coming into that burning church and risking your life to get me out. I would have told you how much I wanted to be like you. How I wanted to be tough and cool and not let anything touch me.

I saw you, though. I saw your tears. I watched you break. I was gone but I was still there. I stood next to you and held onto you but you couldn't feel me anymore. If I ever had any doubt about your feelings for me they were put to rest right then. I could see and hear and feel everything you always held inside.

But heroes often fail

And you won't read that book again

Because the ending's just too hard to take……

I wrote a letter to Ponyboy and I told him that I wanted you to look at a sunset for me. I told him to tell you I thought there was still good in the world. I knew you'd never hear what I wrote. I knew that right then as you walked out of my room and into the dark night.

I left Pony alone in that room but I knew he'd be ok. I followed you into the parking lot, down to the market, into the park. I could feel your agony, your desperation. If only I could have reached you. If only I could have told you I was alright. I wasn't afraid anymore. I was free. If I could have made these things known to you before you pulled that damn unloaded gun from your waistband.

For the first time in my life I was disappointed in you. Then again, I wasn't alive anymore. You were Dallas Winston. You were tough. You could take anything. And I broke you. And maybe I was a little disappointed in myself, too, for actually believing nothing could touch you.

Those shots rang out and I could see your light leaving your body as the boys, our brothers, watched you die at their feet. I couldn't believe you were making the ultimate sacrifice because you couldn't handle losing me.

You looked up and I realized you could see me. And you smiled the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. You ran up to me and fell to your knees and wrapped your arms around my waist and cried tears of joy.

If I could read your mind love

What a tale your thoughts could tell……


	2. A Fortress Strong

**A Fortress Strong**

**Ok so it's a two-shot…..Again I don't own Dally, Johnny, the boys or the lyrics…..Susie and Gordon do…..and I thank them!**

When you reach the part where the heartaches come

The hero would be me

But heroes often fail……

It wasn't even a conscious thought what I did after I watched you take your last breath. I just couldn't deal with the fact that you were gone. I had never felt pain like that. It hurt so bad. My heart felt like it was going to explode in my chest. I could actually feel it break.

I cried and I don't recall the last time I had done that. I was hard, nothing could touch me. Nothing but you and the fact that I couldn't save you.

It was my fault you went into that church. My fault you were lying in this bed. My fault you were dead….dead? My Johnny. No….I sent you there. I made this happen. I failed you.

XXX

But for now love let's be real

I never thought I could act this way

And I've got to say that I just don't get it……

Nothing seemed real to me. I left that damned place. And it was damned, believe me. It let you die.

I left and I ran until I found myself in that store. The only thing I could think of was you. You weren't gone. You couldn't have left me. You were the only thing keeping me sane, keeping me strong, making me feel like I had something to live for. Something good in my life. You couldn't be gone, Johnny. You just couldn't. Goddamn you! How could you leave me?

"Gimme the money!" And then I was running again.

I don't remember much. I just remember hearing the sirens. I was crying for you. I wanted to scream. I wanted this pain to stop. This goddamn searing pain in my chest. I wanted it all to end. And then it did.

XXX

But stories always end

And if you read between the lines

You'll know that I'm just tryin' to understand……

I saw my body lying there. It was the weirdest thing. There was no pain, no sound. Just the faces of my friends below me. Oh man, what did I just do to them?

Then I looked up and there you were. I hoped I'd be with you but I didn't know. I mean, I had done so many rotten things in my life.

You had a sortof disapproving look on your face but I was so happy. I had you back. And you looked beautiful. That fear in your eyes was gone, your scar was gone, you were walking. I ran over to you and dropped. I did the only thing that I could do. I held you and cried. But this time they were happy tears.

And I understood. Loving you was the one thing that redeemed me. You, Johnnny. Always you.


End file.
